true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
