How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
