Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
