I must be too annoying 4 u.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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