i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
