One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When did angry sex become our thing?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
