I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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