I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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