The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
