Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
