Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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