if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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