I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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