The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
pray to the hookup gods
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
