Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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