Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
