I wish you could order shots online.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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