Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
