Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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