im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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