I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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