i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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