I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
