Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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