You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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