I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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