Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
