I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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