I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
