ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
