i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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