we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
