you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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