First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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