i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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