Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
