I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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