This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
