wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
