alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
