i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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