ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
