New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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