why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
