she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.