TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram