he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.