even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
