my soul wont recognize me after tonight
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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