I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
