I think my fart just growled at me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
being pregnant is like rehab
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
