I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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