You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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