if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
