please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
