Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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