Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
