everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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