I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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