There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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