last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
